Kill I Must

 I am an Apex Predator well I am God actually, I kill people & I am very good at it. Why do I kill people?

Am I insane? Am I a freak? Am I a psychotic? Am I an animal?

I enjoy killing, why? I keep killing to know the answer,simple. I have killed 5 women & 2 men till now, why the women number's higher? Well, I am not a misogynistic, may be but I kill only when I feel the urge. I relieve the pain of my art works, what you poor sods call victims. Its something I enjoy doing, when the cold blade cuts through the warm flesh, Yes I prefer the blade to the bullet. I enjoy serenading my victims in a dance in the pale moon light with me instead of the devil. I feel murder is overrated, actually the term killing suits the thing better. I am just like you, just another happy go lucky guy, I work like any other guy, have a beautiful girlfriend & good friends, really good friends & I enjoy life. But when that urge comes, it takes over & then on I am someone different, I am the God, above all. I play the all mighty when it comes to the killing, Oh & I am pretty good at it. I go to places, meet people & when I find people that cause distaste or are not of any right to love, I kill them. I find it pretty easy to draw people towards me, may be its just my rugged good looks, I am not insanely handsome but its the brooding & the attitude that works.

I remember my first kill, it was in the beautiful summer of 2004. I remember going out with this girl of my class, during my college days in Delhi, she was cute, beautiful & lovable but she never restricted her hormonal urges within me, the bitch cheated on me regularly. I remember watching her with a friend of mine several times on his bike, going around, having fun & getting fucked by him in his room. I knew all this but I felt that we just had a casual relationship, nothing more but once I had the misery of following them to see what they were up to? They went to a movie together & I bought a ticket too, to see what they were up to? I remember watching them kissing in the theatre countless times & the way he was groping her & she was reacting, my entire body was simmering with anger, I wanted to kill them right there but I abstained, I came back & acted as usual. I remember watching them go to his apartment after the movie, Poor me poor bastard that I was, I remember following like a dumb lamb, they spent a good 3 hours inside his room. I sat like a pile of woods below his apartment & dragged on ciggies. I remember coming back after they left & came back to my college campus of Delhi University, she came running to me when she saw me in campus later that evening. She ran towards me, kissed me. She was stinking of that Bastard, all of her body, even her cells were stinking of him. I tried to abstain myself but I couldn't in those moments, I really discovered my inner self. I thought of something, I asked her to come to Ooty on a trip with me. 

She happily obliged, that fucking bitch & her guts. I knew she was a fickle minded, wayward girl from a middle class family but the way bitch behaved, it was like she descended from heaven & did a favour on everyone, she said she can make up something in hostel & in her family, she finally came up with the idea of a workshop for partial fulfillment of studies in Ludhiana & took time out for 4 days.It was a hush hush trip, with only a few friends knowing about it. We came to Ooty, all the way I kept talking to myself about what I am going to do with her & I decided, i was going to relieve her of her sorry ass life. I remember the sex we had, it was good, steamy, wild & unstoppable. We didn't get out of the room for 2 days, the housekeeping got bored with us & I felt famished of all the sex & the blowjobs & I almost seemed to forget about her fate & then on the third day we went for some sightseeing & again her eyes started roving around for other guys, a jolt came to me & I came back to reality from that dream land. After we came back, I left her in the room, told her I was going out to buy condoms & took a stroll & debated with myself over how & not why should I kill her? I went to the drug store got a whole box of condoms, the man at the store smirked in a way that made me laugh & then I presumably stared at his wife who was sitting at the billing machine & gave her the box to bill, his smirk changed to a frown & hers to a muffled grin, I don't know what happened after i left & went to another drug store & bought a pair of surgical gloves. All over I went to several stores & bought things like surgical blade, gauge cloth, medical spirit. At some stores they gave weird looks but I told I need it urgently because my friend is injured while trekking & I need it urgently. The lie always works you know,people believe your lies more than the truth. I got all I wanted.

I returned to our room, the bitch was all horny for the fuck & was strolling around in her nightgown. I caught hold of her & told her she was in for a surprise & blindfolded her. Then I took her & bound her hands & legs to the railing of the bed with the gauge cloth & started fucking her. She started moaning & I remembered the faint moans of her in the theatre. I put some more gauge cloth in her mouth she tried protesting but in the heat of the moment, she stopped it & while I was penetrating her, I started cutting her, slashing & hacking all over & pouring spirit over the wounds while at it. She screamed wildly but it was muffled by the gauge cloth, I kept slashing her body till there was no skin left to slash anymore. Her body bounced up & down & she writhed with the intricate dwelling of pain that I was bestowing upon her over her temple of a body, but she was bound & couldn’t get free of it. Then I opened the box of condoms & took out all of them & made a sort of stuffing by putting all of them together & then I shoved it down her mouth & nose, she gasped & coughed for breath but she couldn’t, then I removed the blindfold off her eyes, eyes bloodshot, pleading me, hating me, the fear welling up, tears flowing down, she looked at me. I took a good look at her & then started cutting her throat as she choked & gurgled blood. The bed sheet was streaming with blood when I finally killed the bitch. I remember crying a lot with her head in my lap & wondering what next.

I poured some more spirit on her body to kill the stink of blood, went to the bathroom & bathed for a while. The ice cold water helped,I thought of many things, the thrill of killing her, the peace it gave me, the urge to kill & the ecstasy of the blood splashing across our bodies as she was dying & I smiled wryly. I was an artist, I was a guardian angel, I relieved her of all her whimsical worries, I was God. When I came back,I finally had the courage to cut her up in pieces & pack her in her trolley bag. I took the bloodied bed sheets & pillows & shredded them up with the surgical blade & my hands, that’s the beauty of the surgical blade it cuts like a charm even through the fabric. I took her belongings & put them in her bag along with her body parts.I dipped all the blood stained clothes in 2 bottles of surgical spirit & put it in her bag with her body parts. I went down after a while with the bag only to dump it off a cliff a few hours later, I went down,it was strange the lobby was deserted, no one was in sight, it just made things easier & roaming around a tourist paradise with bags is not a new sight. The way I packed her body parts by washing them with spirit made the bleeding stop & the bag remained spotless. I had a hard time dumping the bag but soon I found a deserted cliff & carried the bag to the edge & dropping it off. After coming back I ordered for room service & when the familiar bell boy came up I told him that she had a huge fight with me & left with all her stuff. I told him to bring up some whiskey for me with a bucket full of ice, it kind of worked, as he thought I might be sullen over her departure. I kept up the appearance for half a day more & then went down to the reception to check out of there. The bitch at the reception didn't believe my story, when I told her how my girlfriend stormed out after a fight & she didn't even care to take her Identity card. But given my inebriated baffle she thought i was just another wayward college kid who couldn't control his girlfriend, she obliged & gave me the identity cards but the way she looked at me, i knew I didn't make the charade too well.

I knew I had a very little window of opportunity before the whistle is blown. Eventually somebody would find the bag & the body within, I mean the beautiful custom made body parts that I made of her. The hotel staff would eventually find something despite all my beautiful work & the nosey receptionist bitch would eventually suspect & may file a complaint & Deepti's parents would frantically search for her, Oh yes the bitch's name was Deepti,nice name. Some friends in DU knew we came together. I knew I couldn't go back & I wouldn't go back. I took all my belongings & documents & threw them in a stream. Took just my toothbrush & my money & I took off from that beautiful place in a bus & set off to Chennai.

All the way in the bus & train, I looked at people, all their misery, their evilness, their wickedness,their frail human nature & I was above all. I was there to relieve the poor ones of their mortality, their weak stand in this earth. I smiled to myself. Its easy you know, to blend in again. I sat in the marina beach for 3 days in a row in the burning summer to change my looks, no one really care you know, no one cares who you are or what do you want, even the police patrol didn't care,I got sunburn & I noticed a strange face in place of mine, I started working in the chennai dockyard as a laborer, I got sun burn, my physique became lithe & athletic, I lost my good looks & became rugged, about a week later, I read about Deepti's gruesome murder in a paper, it got my photo & all about me, there was a prize of Rs 2 lakhs on my head too but I looked much different, I knew I got away. That was an art, a subtle art of getting away with it. I didn't miss my family. If I missed someone it was my mother, I didn't even care about the other bastards. I easily got a new identity card by paying Rs 300. Slowly worked my way up the power circle in the Dockyard & became a Owner of 2 trawlers in 2 years. During those 2 years I killed 2 women & a eunuch, count him as man if you wish,they committed some unforgivable crimes.What happened after those & what happened to me & what happened by me in the next 6 years,I don't feel so ecstatic talking about that now.Lets just keep the rest a secret,shall we ?

P.s. Just so you know, I live in Bangalore now & am working in a call centre.

Who knows you may be my next best thing at art.

Until then.

 Love

Jayant (Psycho)

Erotica

We look into each other's eyes,no words spoken,no drama,no hassles,its a strange language that  we have discovered. They say that marriage kills the romance but for Us its just another myth,even after 7 years of marriage, I can't have enough of her.As she looks into my eyes,Words lose their entity, reality blurs away & dreams shroud us like a painted veil. Its just something that I can't just merely put in words, I lose myself in those eyes,the rest of her svelte body is just as fine as a dawn of a wintry night but it takes all eternity to break away from those beautiful eyes. They are as silent as a Mediterranean coast & as tranquil as a tropical rain forest,her lips,those blood red lips of hers, so lush so inviting & so irresistibly attractive,I stare like a child stares at a candy shop,so full of possibilities & waiting for me to go admire them as I caress them. I kiss her forehead almost magnetically,she simmers as she feels my rough lips,her eyes sparkle of mock anger & then she breaks into a naughty smile & I stare again out of sheer amaze that she looks like an angel from those murals they paint on the church's roofs. She takes my hand & keeps it on her heart,it races as I feel it & she smiles again,I couldn't resist the tease anymore, I softly grab her silky hair & caress her locks & kiss her on her Lips. I don't know the next feeling, I am not here,I have died & gone to heaven, she tenses as I slowly part her lips with mine, I play a little with my tongue & she responds wildly, She grabs hold of my hair & sinks into my arms. As I manfully kiss her a little harder,I feel her perfectly polished nails dig into the nape of my neck, it tickles but I enjoy the pain for she's my warrior woman, she can ambush me, she can rule me & I let her do that.

She's just mine. I claim her every time I can but she is unfazed, for her she's not to be claimed for she is eternally mine & I don't need to establish that. I slowly unbutton her shirt, technically its my shirt which she's wearing,she does that often,sometimes I find her wearing the most atrocious lingerie but when she wears my clothes, she looks even more sexier than she does in those lingerie. She shudders as she feels my hands on her warm,lively breasts, her heart rate pulses up & she goes buck wild at me. She bites at my lips as she feels my hands groping at her perfect breasts,she tries to stop me from doing that but she refrains,she says that much love will kill her but I don't listen. She moans in pleasure as i work my way down from her lips to her amazing breasts. Whenever I am with her, it feels like we have gone back in time to that same old little room of my college days, where we would go wild at each other countless times in those sultry afternoons bunking classes at Delhi University. I still feel like a testosterone fueled teen as I go down on her with her moaning softly like the soft purring of a kitty.

She tries tearing down my T shirt but she fails, looks at me like it is the end of the world if that tee doesn't come off my Chest. I yank out the tee with one pull & she jumps on me like a crazed love monkey, that's one of her names I call her usually,the other names are Froglie, Bunny, Munchkin, li'l devil & countless others I forgot keeping track. She undresses & prowls like a predator & then she sinks deep into my Chest, kisses my neck & breathes heavily at it, I feel the singeing of my entire body by her, I throw off the rest of my clothes & then together We sink down to the alleys of love,unknown,bequeathed & bewildered,we play with each other & entangle our bodies in unison,while climaxing in pools of sweat,she says I Love you & I just look at her, I can never have enough of her I think & then she starts kissing me again.

Words lose their entity, reality blurs away & dreams shroud us like a painted veil once again.

A Meteoric Love story

So it began in the vast space where there are endless bodies in motion. The Space, an odyssey of celestial bodies from gas clouds to black holes. But in this strange yet morbid atmosphere, there existed a Love story. Surprised ? Yes, even the celestial beings have emotions,see the emotions aren't just the domain of human beings.This is a love story of two meteoroids, both of whom who were very much in love with each other. They were Aion & Tiara, they were different & as the proverbial saying had its way, they fell for each other. They were an unlikely pair, both of them lived in the Solar System of the Andromeda Galaxy & this is their story.

The young lovers lived in their colonies of fellow meteoroids; the meteoroids were the children of planets or asteroids which orbited around the Sun along the other celestial bodies of the planets & asteroids. The meteoroids were the youngest living members of the galaxy & they died very soon unlike the other space beings & many of them chose their paths by themselves, it was like a tradition, some meteoroids were unfortunate & never died & lived for eternity in the galaxy, some were sucked up by black holes, some meteoroids united & formed an asteroid & the most lucky ones went to the Elysium of the meteorites, The Blue Planet & became Meteors. It was another time when meteoroids started choosing their destiny, as most friends of Aion & Tiara started disappearing, Aion felt concerned about his own destiny. Aion went & asked his mother, the Asteroid Nefertiti about his destiny, she smiled & said we live in a galaxy where we obey by the Sun who’s the reason we live, orbit & die, this is a world of opportunities & uncertainties. Sometimes we don’t know the things that we do & before we even realize things are done in our name. Once upon a time a long time ago in our galaxy, my great grandfather his name unknown, was one of the largest of their race plummeted down to the Blue planet & as he died there, he destroyed a race so giant & regal down there is still the talk in the galaxy today. We don’t know whether he wanted it or fate had it in him. Aion’s Father was taken away by the Black Hole near Saturn & never came back, his mother always wanted to die in Saturn where she may see her partner in her afterlife & if fate has it Aion will die on the beautiful Blue Planet.

Upon hearing the sad truth about the destiny he may have & it was sad indeed, the meteoroids, asteroids never knew about their destiny albeit some tried to alter it but it always ended in Perish or of them floating aimlessly in the galaxy forever, there wasn’t another option for the celestial beings.

Deep in thought he went to see about Tiara, while orbiting Sun near The Red planet, who was playing with her friends & talking about the giant rings of Saturn & the beautiful creatures of the blue planet that kept coming to space either by themselves or deemed their presence by their flashy vessels. Aion was curious to see the joy of Tiara in a time their Colony was gloom about the loss of their young meteoroids. As he approached her, her friends giggled & left the Lovers alone to orbit around with each other. When Tiara saw Aion, she beamed more brightly & dashed towards him. Aion greeted her & then asked her about her destiny, the same question he asked of his mother about himself. Tiara was surprised for she never heard such a question like that from Aion, because Aion was so playful & carefree in his life, but then the answer which she always feared could ruin their relationship seemed inevitable. She smiled & said she wanted to go to the blue planet if she’s going to die someday. Aion was livid at the blunt reply & cursed her incessantly of the mad dream she was having. He said, instead of dying on that wretched planet, together they could unite & orbit round the Sun forever & be with each other always. Tiara smiled & said to him that nothing lasts forever, even the Sun, the all mighty is going to be a dwarf star someday & about the hate he has for the Blue planet, he doesn’t know the beauty of it. They debated a lot but in the end, Aion angrily stormed out of her orbit & came back to his own as they were about to close in near another Asteroid belt. Aion thought deeply of the foolishness Tiara was having & then sank to slumber. While he slept in his orbit, he saw a dream.

He & tiara were falling down across a vast space, a space where he saw the most beautiful rays of the Sun as he looked up & a beautiful blaze has started to ignite upon both of their bodies as something was brushing across their rocky bodies, it tingled & then Tiara said it was the Air, which surrounds the Blue Planet. As the blaze brightened around them, Tiara drew closer & whispered in his rocky ear that it was the fire & as they plummeted below, he saw the most beautiful thing he has ever seen aside Tiara, he saw a vast body of bluish & greenish contour, he had always looked at the Blue Planet in his orbit but never he saw the beauty but now as he gazed upon the Planet something that seemed less myriad than the galaxy but the beauty of it was beyond imagination & as both the lovers set collision course with their destiny, Tiara whispered I love you in his ears & he whispered it back & then they collided with the Blue Planet.

Aion woke up with a strange feeling. Upon waking up, he thought of the dream for a great while & then shuttled off to Tiara & narrated his dream to her. She heard him with awe & then fell silent as if she thought of the grief & sorrow of Aion dying, Aion upon seeing her frown asked her of the reason & she answered palely that it was her destiny & Aion should follow his, he should not end his life with her rather he should live his life as he wanted to live, by floating across the solar system forever. But Aion loved her too much & he knew Tiara, she would never change her mind, however he pleaded to her & he would never live without her. In those sordid moments he made up his mind & then did something Tiara didn’t expect of, he got her & went off course from their orbit around the Sun, she was astonished but she knew what he was doing & then together both of them tried to pilot themselves towards the Blue Planet by aligning themselves like its satellite, they were not far from it & slowly the gravity held them up & they started orbiting around the Blue Planet. As they went closer, they saw million others of meteorites like themselves going towards the planet in balls of flame, blazing towards their destiny in glory. Some alone, some with their partners but all of them went towards the Blue Planet. Aion & Tiara soon felt that funny tingling of something swooshing up their rocky bodies as they whooshed down & as they lit up, Aion looked at Tiara & she whispered I love you to him, he looked at her lovingly, replied the same & plunged down towards their destiny.

Then as they crashed on Earth, both the meteoroids became METEORS.

Lakshmi & Dreams

The Sun rose as usual,the city of Bhubaneswar rumbled to life,people went about their daily lives,birds chirped as usual & every other shrine of different religions played their devotional music,it was just another day in the busy lives of countless people who lived in the city.Hawkers went throwing newspapers,people took to pavements & parks for the morning jogging,some flaunting their toned bodies & some hiding the weight as much as possible,vegetable vendors ran about,municipality people cleaned the streets,everybody started their daily itinerary cursing & muttering about misery & helplessness,the rich ranted about richer & the poor about rich all but Lakshmi. Lakshmi, 12 year old little Lakshmi sat silently in their hut looking at her little brother Chintu & her Father,sleeping peacefully. Lakshmi smiled as she saw them & tried to remember her mother's face,she tried hard but she failed to remember her,tears welled up in her eyes & she sighed,'Lakshmi never saw her mother,all she heard from people was that she was a prostitute in the nearby red light area,who threw her away after she was born,calling her a curse,Lakshmi never understood the meaning of the word prostitute but she knew that it was not a good profession,people would cringe at the name of a prostitute & several of her neighborhood's women chose to be prostitutes to support their families.whoever turned a prostitute was met with wrath of the slum people who lived in there.Chintu was also an abandoned child,nobody knew about his mother though,both of them were adopted by a drunk,handicapped beggar,who raised them by begging at the nearby railway station.'Lakshmi sat transfixed in the hut,looking around she tried to think of days left in this month,how they would survive this month & how she would admit Chintu at the nearby school  because at the end of the month as promised by Shilpa Nani,the local woman leader,she would get to work in a very good business,her father will be provided with a wheelchair & they will be shifted to a good house & their life will be happy forever.'She heaved a sigh of relief as she thought of the beautiful future that can be possible if she would agree to work under Shilpa Nani & then she smiled again.

By the time lakshmi cleaned the hut & the veranda,Chintu & her father were awake,she ran to the nearby tea stall & brought a cup of tea & some cigarettes for her father as well as some bun for Chintu.While they were eating,Lakshmi went to bathe,while coming from the pond she went to the nearby Shiv temple & prayed to God,she asked for all but herself,she was strangely happy for some reason,she didn't have a proper family,any education or good upbringing or a good place to live,yet in those small pieces of life,she felt complete because she had two persons who loved her,her father & her brother,she prayed to God to make her remember her mother's face next time she remembers her & she asked God's blessing for the new life she was going to start. While running back to her hut,she saw her father going out on his crutches to station,he kissed her on her forehead as she touched his knee & blessed her & then slowly dragged himself to his destination.

Coming back to their hut,Lakshmi took Chintu & bathed him in their backyard,Chintu was just 5 years old & just as beautiful as Lakshmi. Then she fed him with the leftover food of last night & ate a little so that he could have more food & then both of them set out to work.They wore their ragged clothes & holding their Polythene bags set out for collecting glass & plastic bottles from garbage dumps. Apart from their father's begging this was another of their livelihood sustenance. Wherever they went they found hordes of poor children all doing odd jobs at such tender ages,Lakshmi & Chintu collected about 65 rupees by selling the bottles they collected & returned to their home,on the way she bought chocolates for Chintu & a pack of cigarettes for her father & then went to their hut.It was already evening while they were going to their hut,many people surrounded their hut in their neighbourhood,there were hues & cries of some people,their neighbours Neela Mausi & Chinky Nani were wailing loudly.she found it strange & she felt an eerie chill inside her,what if its something wrong & slowly she walked towards her hut. Anyone who saw her looked at her with pity only Shilpa Nani who was there saw her with a look that puzzled her,as she saw at her hut she saw something placed on the ground,it was something or someone,covered with a dirty cloth & it was bloodied at several places.

Lakshmi felt a strange fear,for she didn't know why it lay in front of her home & then she saw something,something that would remind of the unknown fate that was looming large over her. She saw the battered crutches of her father lying nearby,battered,bloodstained & ignored like her father. Then she understood why the people gathered around her house,why the people were looking at her with pity & whose bloodstained & dismembered lifeless body it was,she sank down on the ground,Chintu was still clueless about everything that went on about & was staring at everyone. Her father was begging as usual near the stairs of the overhead footbridge of platform 1 when suddenly a mob broke out rushing for their train ,her father tried to stay away from being crushed but went near the edge of the platform,he slipped & fell over to the tracks,the train crushed his body under it & his dead body lay there until the train left & he lay there on the platform for about 2 hours before his body was identified & brought to the slum. Lakshmi heard everything like a corpse,still & motionless,she couldn't believe the only good person who cared for her brother & her was dead.while she was sitting there it became a kind of commotion as Shilpa Nani addressed people by saying some good things about Lakshmi's father & how she was going to take care of the two children & how she was going to take care of the neighbourhood if they vote for her as the new ward member in the coming election,Lakshmi was motionless & sat like a statue while Chintu ran away to play with the other children of the neighbourhood,innocent & unaware of the situation. Then a group of people drank some liquor & took away her father's body to the Shahidnagar crematorium & burnt it,some women started crying at the scene & went to their homes after being paid some money.


Lakshmi & Chintu were consoled by Shilpa Nani for some while & then she brought them food & left them & she promised Lakshmi not to worry & that she still remembered her promise to her.That night Lakshmi had a strange thought,what if she & Chintu would have been born in a good place or a good family,their father would not be a handicapped beggar & would have been a teacher or a shopkeeper,she & Chintu would go to school like other kids & play with their friends,like she saw the kids playing outside a school while collecting bottles. People would not treat them like worms & they would get whatever they wanted to have,she wept silently remembering their father & looked at his torn crutches lying on the floor,she cleaned the bloodstains herself before bringing it inside their hut,all she had memory of her father was a photograph some fair skinned person called a foreigner took of them on a trip to their slum,it had her,Chintu & their father together,smiling. She remembered everything & then prayed to God to give her strength & closed her eyes.

The next day was just as every other day,nobody missed their father,everybody went about their businesses,labourers, ice cream vendors,hawkers,security guards all went for their respective jobs.It continued the same for the next few weeks,even Lakshmi forgot her father & worked harder & collected more bottles with Chintu to survive,she learnt to cook which her father did until his demise,she learnt to fight for water when the tanker came to their slum & she learnt to abuse in order to dominate other people,she got to know about prostitutes & their profession & hated her mother,never again she tried to remember her face again,she didn't pray to God anymore. There was Shilpa Nani who came to the neighbourhood now & then making promises but she forgot her promises to Lakshmi,even Lakshmi forgot her dreams,what she had seen for her family, some days later she went to collect bottles near Malisahi,the red light area of Bhubaneswar & observed the people over there,their lives,the money they earned & how they were a little but better than her own slum. She couldn't sleep that night,all night she thought of everything that may or would happen to her & her brother & decided for a better life for her brother even if it cost her,her life.

The next day it was the old Lakshmi again,she went to bath at the pond & went to the temple after 2 months,prayed to Lord Shiva for her brother & sat there for sometime & then she came back to her hut.She scavenged everything she could find of Chintu & then made him wear the best clothes he had & set out with him towards a place. Chintu was happy to go out of the slum without any dirty clothes & bags in his hand & whistled enthusiastically. She took him to an orphanage & told him to stay there while she comes back to him,then she went over to the Warden of the orphanage & talked with her about Chintu & how he should be raised till she comes & claims him back,she promised to send money every month for his education & upbringing & asked to make Chintu forget about her sister in anyway possible,when the concerned warden questioned her,'how she could arrange for money as she herself was just another child ?',Lakshmi smiled & fighting back her tears,said'I'll make my dreams come true,whatever the price may be.'


It was a long walk to home,she took all her belongings with her,took the only photograph of her family,held her head high & walked till she reached Malisahi,the red light area of the city,she knew what she was going to do & she wasn't afraid or disgusted. She took a deep breath while salvaging her dreams & thought of the beautiful future she could provide for Chintu,smiled bravely & walked in.

That Dark Silhouette

It feels like eons of ages ago,when I ventured out to meet my doom on an ill fated night.How hard I try,I can't forget that dreadful face of her on that stormy night,it still gives me goosebumps whenever I think of that night.it was one night where my worst dream came alive & strangled me with my own hands. It was the night of December 31st back in 2009 or trans2010,the world was celebrating madly reckoning in the new year & I was stuck in a small hilly village in Kerala. I was working with a leading plantation company as an assistant manager & during the December-January schedule I was assigned to personally go & supervise the factory installation at that station,it was a place called Vandiperiyar adjacent to Kerala-Tamilnadu border,I was used to the hilly terrains of Kerala & my work always took me to strange locales & mind you,not every place in Kerala is tranquil or breathtaking as they say. The place was surrounded by hills,it was damp,humid & at 9000 feet was nothing short of a hellhole,I was provided a British era bungalow atop a hill again,so I had to descend down from my living quarters to my workplace,from uphill to downhill. The workers were disciplined,hardworking & obedient but these were somewhat orthodox if put correctly,they didn't like outsiders. I was more of a wandering outsider to them,they wouldn't listen to me directly,the orders had to be conveyed to them by their own people in Malyali,I had a lifesaver in the form of Mr Stanley Gonzales,who was my assistant & was the head supervisor. He would address the people on my behalf,his English was somewhat proficient & he was very helpful,elder to me but was very much a person who obeyed seniors at work. 

One day I took a stroll in the plantations by myself,wearing my khakis & half pants,signature clothing of a plantation person. It was drizzling a bit but 2 years in these hilly terrains have endured me with these instances,the plantation estate was 700 acres sprawled across 4 adjacent hills & plains,it contained the living quarters for the managers,supervisors,technicians & the homes of the local people & the workers,there were churches,hospitals,schools,shops & small hotels in the estate,the company did a lot for the people under the CSR activities. While I was strolling down the rocky roads,I passed many people,workers,passerby locals,school going children;the workers would look up & salute me but it was more of an obligation than an gesture,I would be greeted with steely cold stares & raised hands than warm salutes. There was this old abandoned church at the end of this wallardie estate of the plantations,where due to some strange reason no people went,it was an old church,apparently british era by its looks,it was burnt to the foundation but I could make out the architecture,that used high tower & used granite instead of limestone,the cross was half bent,charred by the burning but it looked divine high over the cathedral,the mural paintings seen through broken walls,nearby burnt stones & glass were scattered nearby. It was kind of Gothic yet beautiful to look at in the faint twilight. Sunlight was streaming across a the charred broken granite walls as it was setting down over the Wallardie hills.

 I was amazed at the eerie silence of the place & suddenly a flash of lightning blazed in the sky & in that moment I saw a woman,a beautiful woman,she was British or Irish may be,dressed in an red gown,she was in her early thirties & was standing near the wooden church gate with her eyes closed & arms crossed,as if she was waiting for someone,then as the lightning went out,she was not there, I was dumbfounded,then thunder roared to life & a sudden heavy pour came down, I was too shocked to react but then another lightning lit up the sky & I saw her again & I felt like I was going crazy,this time,she was looking at me,arms open,a heartbreaking smile on her face,I was looking at her like a small child & the lightning felt like forever & then I looked in her eyes,the eyes flickered strangely,I was in complete denial with what i saw but when I looked into her eyes,they were hollow sockets,there were no eyes in them,I never believed in things such as Supernatural or Paranormal but in that moment I felt like everything I knew was an illusion or what I was seeing was just a crazed paranoia of some sort but then the lightning faded & thunder rumbled heavily.

I was completely drenched but I didn't know what to do & then I made the stupidest mistake of my life,I walked inside the church to save myself from the lashing of the downpour. The rain was coming down torrentially now,I tried to shove open the heavy wooden door but it didn't budge & then another lightning & the door flew open & I felt a jolt,the next thing I knew I was dragged across the cold damp church floor by some invisible force,it was too sudden & then there was darkness,the next lightning flickered & I was thrown across the church like a paper plane,it was  so forceful & so fast,I couldn't see anything but a flash of red flickering throughout the burnt church building. Then something odd happened,I was dropped on the hard floor with a thud & the lightning died down & thunder rumbled about. I was frozen with shock with what was going on & then suddenly the some kind of form took shape in front of me,it flickered constantly but when it formed itself from its dark silhouette,I saw the woman who stared at me through those hollow sockets of eyes at the church door,the next moment,whoosh,she was sitting in front of me,I was in a trance,watching her with awe & fear,then she stared at me again only this time it hurt like hell.

The next moment,I felt someone strangling me,only it were my own hands which were strangling the very life from my own body,I struggled violently kicking & jabbing away at my own body but the strength in me was nothing compared to the strength that acted against me,I was leviated from the ground,suspended precariously over the mural paintings of the ceiling & then I was jolted angrily, in that splitsecond I saw something flashy other than the lightning,the half broken cross of the church was glowing like a bright bulb in the darkness & I suddenly had a plan,which would either save me or damn me forever,I was leviated about 30 feet above & I tried pusshing towards the cross in that strangled position, I was slowly losing my consciousness but i tried hard & just I was about to touch the cross may be she knew what I was going for,I was swayed from side to side,my hands freed & I was thrashed about midair & when I was almost getting plumetted to the ground, I kicked the air & tried floating towards the cross & got hold of it. The very next moment a lightning struck the cross & I burst,the feeling was of bursting,Millions of volts jolted down the very flesh of mine & everything around me subdued to the impact,I saw a ring of fire around me & the spirit of the woman inside the ring,she was smiling at me & for some strange reason I smiled back at her,then she exploded into a burst of flames,so did I & everything else & the next thing I knew was thunder rumbling & I plummeted down to the floor.

I found myself on the hospital bed,people all around me,looking astonished & concerned at the same time,saw Stanley talking to the doctor & then when he looked at me,he stared at me & ran towards me & started chanting some verse from Bible,when stuttering I asked him about what happened & what was the reason of it,he narrated the incident in his earthy,raspy voice,'It was the year 1930,when Britishers took interest in the plantation estate & posted a young officer,a lieutenant to take charge of the area,the lieutenant was brave & kind,he was newly married & had a beautiful wife,they had a lovely life but the lack of a child made them suffer silently,it made her husband more menacing & cruel to the people & she became an alcoholic. One day the husband was angry on people for some work that wasn't completed in time & he beat the worker black & blue with his whip,making the local people more livid & enraged,a day after the worker succumbed to his injuries. It was the last of his tyranny as the people were mad with rage & attacked his bungalow with spears & torched his bungalow,the officer managed to send his wife to the nearby church by convincing her but stayed back to ask for forgiveness from people but he was killed mercilessly & while she waited for him all night with fear,a heavy rain broke out & a lightning struck the church & the church blazed with her inside,the rain muffled her bloodcurdling screams & the innocent woman was burnt alive. The church was abandoned since then,the people loved their Madam as she was kind & nice to them but her wandering spirit didn't take her husband's death lightly & she started haunting the place & whoever strayed to the church during rains was killed or found a lunatic. The infamous lore was it that she appeared during lightning & roamed the church & any unfortunate passerby was not forgiven & the place was  haunted since. People didn't go over there & a in a strange way no mishaps occurred.

For some strange reason I took a stroll down & being new to the place,I ventured towards the church that fateful night,I only knew what happened & the rest as I heard,the church was destroyed by a massive lightning stroke & I was found unconscious at the rubble without a mark on me,strangely the people thought I was some guardian angel for them & my stay of 2 months became ever pleasant,the only thing today that haunts me are her eyes, I never forgot them. 

Insomniac

In night I can’t sleep, in morning I can’t wake up, it is just like a thorn that’s half stuck in my skin, If I try getting it out, it hurts & it stays & hurts, pain has become a companion, this lack of sleep is affecting my every action, is it just a fluke or I am slowly becoming a new breed of Insomniacs.

I have seen people dozing off in public transport, people falling asleep in bus stops, railway stations & terminals but I of all people can’t have a few moments of sleep in my own bed. Is it something with be being not tired of whatever I do, the physical tiredness is there but what lacks depth is the tiredness in my sub conscious, it’s just like pangs of guilt, a twinge of my pain, a nudging inside that cranium seeking revenge for using that gray matter like a slave. I try everywhere possible but it is a disaster. 

Sometimes I turn to my cold marble of a floor to seek some solace from this wrath but the ice cold floor just aches my back & increases my distaste for it, someone told me bright bed sheets doesn't help in sleeping so dear wifey went ahead & bought some dark sheets to help me sleep but the sheets were as black as her heart as the charred figments of my relationship with my wife, she tries to sleep me off but she wants a good fucking session before that & while I marvel at her beautiful body as we both thrust down to alleys of lust & love, the pain strikes again, I come earlier than I did, I am more distracted than the street dog & I can’t love my wonderful yet bitchy wife like I used to.This insomnia has ruined my sex drive too. She says heavy meals will help, so I gulp down meat & carts of other meat, she feeds me like an animal in a slaughterhouse but all I do all night is run twice to the toilet & feel like a bloated fish, I workout like crazy hoping it makes me tired, it doesn't instead it bulges me out, of late I am looking more like a monster, my eyes have become sockets, when I look in the mirror I see crow’s feet dangling down them, they have turned blotchy.My eyes look at someone they try to recognize,the faint resemblances that echo deep in emotions trying to surge out,my once handsome face looks like a bombarded Buddha statue of Kandahar,like it has been tortured to make it not the way it was but to make it the way I wanted it to be.

Pain & frustration have became my bosom buddies but for all I know they try to carve their figurines on my entity. I become irritated easily,my short temperedness is increasingly getting shorter.My life’s been jumbled like a Cross word puzzle & the more I fiddle with it,the more complicated it becomes,I shout sometimes out of no necessity, this mediocre society has become more barbarian or so it seems, I've always loved barbarism,so true to our nature. I am as jaded & withered as a Igneous rock but I don't possess the strength or resilience it does. I lay on my bed,I close my eyes but I hear everything,its never distorted nor blurred,my eyes may be closed but they see everything,its like acid being poured down through the eye lids, I hear every whoosh of air & every shush of the fucking neighborhood, I am losing my grip on humanity, I try stabbing the pillow but it stands like a Minotaur hissing at me,its psychotic,all night I try curling up to the wife, bed sheets & the pillows but all they do is looking pitifully at me like I am an inmate at some asylum.Its bizarre,chaotic in the dead of the night,in the bitter silence I wake & howl like a Mad Wolf in the woods.12am,1am,2am,3am,4am & sometimes & I don't know when it comes I kind of go to sleep but these few hours I see the myriad of disparity among the vague & vibrant,reality kind of blurs away & I daydream in night in those few hours.

Smoking seems kind of solution to pass the time,so does alcohol.I stand at the balcony & drag on the smoke,it fills up my lungs & burns down my alveoli & makes me content with self destruction,sometimes self destruction seems like such a sweet gulp down the throat & it is indeed.Alcohol runs through my veins destroying my liver & my blood,after a few sips it feels like drinking my own blood but I let that feeling pass,not a vampire,not the least bit. Before the cruel bitch comes to me & closes my eyes, I see all kinds of things, things I want to see, things I don't & things I never imagined. I see myself as a tyrant, as a hero, as an oppressed soul & as a wanderer, I become nomadic & a cannibal, i go to the end of the world & come back in bits, flesh tethered to bone in worst possible way, like chewed by some animal with tooth & tongue with thorns,it is anarchy in paradise,like a needle being inserted into the eyelids in your consciousness,you feel it,the surge,the singe & the pain.In these mad moments of otherworldly suffering,my eyelids actually close & i don't know,I go to sleep may be,may be that's sleep or may be its insomnia again fucking me again in my eye.I've enjoyed the insomnia like I never knew the sleep.What happens after i fall asleep, I don't know.

Do You ?

Movies & Their Magic

Movies,just the name brings so many memories flooding back & eons of them yet to come. Its amazing how movies had become an integral part of our lives,everything that happens with us is somehow related or gets related to movies in some or other manner.Really,come on who doesn't do that,tell me who haven't tried out the  Titanic pose with their girlfriend or friends,who haven't tried to deduct theories out of thin air like Sherlock Holmes,who never thought of being bitten by a radioactive spider or being blessed with super powers by accident,its all there,it just takes its time to sink in & when that happens,it does have a profound effect on that person.Who doesn't give a Jaadu ki jhappi to their friends in need,who doesn't sing yeh dosti hum nahin todenge on their bikes with friends,who doesn't mock the drunken speech of Anthony Gonsalves in front of the mirror or try to be Raj for a girl & who doesn't slam Rajnikanth jokes almost everyday,it all sprang from the movies.everyone is in some ways touched,mesmerized & influenced by movies.

In many ways movies are all that that we want to be,they are larger than life,they are flashy,they are gritty & they are our projection of ourselves to much extent.Tell me about it,when someone watches a Bond movie,all that comes to mind are the globetrotting,exotic locales,the chases,the fights,the bond girls,the villains & the suaveness of Bond. every ordinary guy would want to be like that,who wouldn't ? Every person that wears a suit or tuxedo wants to feel like Bond in someway,not that they complain,its not a complain,its a compliment.Who would have thought that a massive sinking ship of a story across Atlantic could set blaze to a billion hearts without Jack & Rose,two persons who are mere imaginary characters but it was the heart wrenching drama of the ill fated love story aboard the infamous ship that touched everyone & brought tears to eyes,there is an absolute charm in the movies that we can't defy of.


Movies have long been inspiring masts of the technology vessel,today's gadgets,technology & fleet of communications have drawn upon the endless innovations of movies.Sci-fi movies have long been contributing towards growing technologies,those bright LED panels in countless Sci-fi movies since the 70s are real nowadays,the glitzy headsets are a reality,most of the scientists give credit to the movies for inspiring their works.Most recently nanotechnology which is seen in most of the movies nowadays & in upcoming Iron man 3 is a reality now,who knows the day when the technology of Tony Stark may come to life in the near future.It isn't impossible,movies isn't all about entertainment or an excuse to pass time.

I remember the rush to drive faster after watching the Fast & Furious movies,everyone does, its just another of many more charms of the movies. Movies are just a gateaway for us to escape boredom & plunge into the world we always wanted to dive in.Who can forget the ambience of Pandora or the horror of Aliens,the tranquility of Superman's powers or the destructiveness of the disturbed teenagers of Chronicle.The imperfection is also shown in the movies,true stories of people,most often the shady details of gangsters & their lives,many people are also misguided by movies but the aim of these movies is to entertain not just to make people fall for stylized violence & flashy lifestyles.In another tone in movies on serial killings,the gory aftermaths of serial killers send shivers down the spine & remind us of the beautiful life we have & not to deviate away like those who went astray.we also learn a great deal of things from the movies,most people not believing in Love fall in love after watching movies,bullied people rise up & retaliate.Those who sleep start dreaming & if they watched Inception then dreaming within dreams is guaranteed.When we wear something,we try to dress up as a particular character,the suit/tuxedo guys go Bondesque,girls wanting to be divas after Disney princesses.

Today Indian cinema celebrates its 100 years,a glorious journey which started off with Dada Saheb Phalke's Raja Harischandra but of late there has been a mixed sleuth of movies,both brilliant & soggy,with an audience that watches Golmaal movies & a movie like Paan Singh Tomar without any bar,which is difficult to make out,but the sole aim is of entertainment,as Silk puts in the Dirty Picture,"films work for three reasons & three reasons only,Entertainment,Entertainment & Entertainment & I am Entertainment."Indian cinema has still got a long way to go where it can have a better segmented audience & make suitable genre movies for them.Not just divide on the silly basis of Single Screen & Multiplexes or Masses & Classes.




I have adored movies since i saw the first movie of my life,first movie because it was the first movie I saw from beginning to the end,the movie was Maverick filmmaker Steven Spielberg's Jurassic Park,I remember watching it in a theatre,throughout the movie i clutched my Father's hand in both fear & awe of the Dinosaurs & my cinematic journey started from then,I have lost count of the movies i have seen but i remember everyone one them,each have etched their mark in my mind & heart ever since.Even today i sheepishly answer,'watching movies' as a hobby of mine,a habit that stayed with me since I saw movies & the movie I last saw was The Avengers.Do I need to say more ?