Believe in Yourself

Believe in Yourself
Just a penchant for writing,its my pigheadedness to distinguish myself from the Crowd.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

The road not taken

So I never loved Mathematics, hated it all my life, I really sucked at it, this was one subject that plagued me all my life, as my formal education was coming to an end (Formal because education is a never ending process, always remember that Kids), my joy knew no bounds. Cut to stupid campus placements, Worries of parents and relatives, the fear of losing my girlfriend who was already employed for two years and social stigma of getting a good and secure job made me come into banking. Let me get this straight, here I was, a guy that hated Mathematics all his life, went into banking, into a job that uses maths as its basic framework supported by a plethora of rules and regulations. Luckily I am good with numbers and arithmetic, that made me a survivor and  I am Robinson Crusoe of Banking, wrecked at a place  I was not supposed to be but getting good with time, making this thing my own. What does this teach you, that life my friend is unpredictable, it can put you in places you are not supposed to be unless you carve your own path and not feel like an Eskimo in Sahara.

In our society, there are two futures prevalent for a kid, either to become a Doctor or an Engineer, that is it, end of choice for all the budding minds. It is not necessary to take up Science stream for higher studies if you are good at studies. It is a common misconception that students who perform well at studies are the ones who should go for science stream and the ones who don’t perform that well and so and so should go for Arts stream. The Logic here, Arts is for losers and simpletons and science is for the high flying club, the result is just like mine. There are about billion stories in this billion people strong nation, every other day, another regret of not going for the choice we should have gone when we had the chance.

Ours is the country which boasts of the oldest language known to mankind, one of the oldest civilizations to have thrived and the ancient hub for education. For god’s sake, we were the people who taught the World about education system and universities and today we barely feature amongst the top hundred institutions for education. I always had this question in my mind, what is the practical use of the endless formulas and theorems we were forced to memorize and jot down in examinations. What did it do in the real world; it didn’t even help me to open the lid of a pressure cooker when in need or to find a place in a map on the road. We have been reading the recycled matter that has been leftover by the British and has been constantly indianized over the time. I always loved literature, the prose, the poems and words dancing in my head before I spoke something, the languages of the world. Had I have chosen the Arts stream over Science, my life would have been a lot different and better than today, not that I don’t have a good life, I would have been more content and happy if I got to do what I love most in this world.

As children we try to emulate what we see, what we like, we try to be Doctors, Astronauts, police, Lawyers, Actors, Scientists and what not, imagine if you could do the same with your life. Why do we have favourites, why do we have best friends and why do we have hobbies, just apply that logic to life too. It is necessary to bend the social stigma of the same old formula of churning out Doctors and Engineers, if they don’t succeed in the entrance examinations put them in the available colleges. Today things are more refined for this farce to go on; a child is put up with coaching and tuitions from as early as class 6th or 7th to prepare for specialized studies for entrance examinations. He is taught the art of solving MCQ’s as soon as possible at a time when he could learn about a new language or the functioning of nuclear fission and fusion or the practices of fine arts like architecture or art, the list goes on.

Be a rebel, try to love what your heart asks you for not what your father hears from some friend of his to put you through, maybe he wishes and thinks of the best for you but unknowingly he may subject you to something you don’t want to go for in the first place. Don’t make that mistake, there are millions of students who are roaming aimlessly after completing studies, they were neither good at it nor could derive any use from it. Take it with a pinch of salt, what good is a Civil engineer if he doesn’t make a good bridge, what good is a surgeon if his parents paid top mullah for him to drag through all the classes in some med school, what good is an actor who doesn’t know anything about acting but has to face the camera because his father was a yesteryear Superstar. Look around you, the world is waiting, do you know where do you find Shiitake mushrooms, where Rafflessia flowers bloom, where can you find ostrich meat to eat, where is Krakatoa, more importantly what is Krakatoa known for, where Pripyat lies and why its remembered for?

The world around you is filled with interests and avenues you can jump on. What about kayaking, what about mountain climbing, what about nuclear or astrophysics, what about an author, what about a media person, what about a politician and what about a sportsperson. You can be anything you wish to be, you just need to have the gut to go for it and the courage to take that path and the ability to convince or coerce your parents to go down the path with you. Once you decide something, stick to it; don’t make a joke of yourself. It’s your life on the line of fire; you decide what path you want to go on. Even Charlie Chaplin would have stuttered once or twice before becoming a comedian, a comedian, come on, even Johnny Lever or Rajpal Yadav would have come to tinsel town wanting to be lead actors, let alone Charlie Chaplin, he was a stud, girls swooned over him yet he stuck to what he did best, he didn’t try to become James Dean. That’s why the world respects him, Imagine Sachin Tendulkar with a tennis racquet and Roger Federer with a cricket bat, doesn’t feel right, right?

Whatever you choose, choose it with both heart and brain, because listening to one is idiotic and other is logical, both are poles apart, just like life, what you want and what life gives you is a far cry from the requirement. Remember need and requirement are two different things and bridging that gap is your achievement. Take the road less travelled, don’t be the new Sachin Tendulkar, be the new Biswajit Hotta of cricket, carve your name into the minds and hearts of people alike. Create something extraordinary from the world weary of ordinary. Remember you are taking advice from a Banker who hates mathematics, the rest you figure out for yourself, you are the Y generation, just add a O to it and make it YO. I am quoting a very beautiful poem of Robert Frost to make you understand the importance of the road not taken, hope that piques some interest of you,

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was greasy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Prateek Gautam
2006 batch but made the leap in 2004.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

The Life & dilemmas of being a Digi Parent

"Technology may open up many avenues but it also opens up some that can’t be avoided. It is just like fire in front of a toddler, sooner or later the learning will be dealt in the hard way."

"The technology has slowly made the use of one’s own brain so redundant that it’s affecting the children’s capacity to learn and grasp things."

“Is that the new Angry birds game that launched last week, its cool na”, as I hear this from my youngest cousin brother, who’s an adorable chubby boy studying in ninth grade, I grind my teeth with anger and try to reply with a smile. It’s my mistake to play a game in front of him on my Smartphone. It’s another one of his countless innuendos to ask me my phone. Five minutes after watching intently at my phone and making the doe eyes of the Shrek kitty, he won my phone with a big frown from me. I got a few calls before the battery got drained, every time I completed my call, he will be eager enough to take the phone back from me. After the battery got totally drained, he promptly connected it to a charger, switched on the phone and started playing back on.

It’s not uncommon nowadays to see kids behaving like predators to catch the next Smartphone of a family member seen on sight. It feels good to see the children use technology in a friendly and proper way. I have a cousin brother and a nephew both falling in the same age group. But there are certain traits of them that upset me and most of my family members. Older members who do not take technology as seriously as our generation frown upon me for sometimes not giving my phone or PC and rebuking their request to play or use my phone. They think of me as arrogant and selfish but they do not truly know the ill effects of technology and how it is affecting the children of today’s generation. The children of today are shunning playgrounds to play on gaming consoles and gaming arcades and slowly they are losing the harms of the real world. Geeks and nerds may sound cool today but these could give rise to bigger problems to those who do not socialize much. Social media has replaced the actual society for them.

The children used to love me, I was their rockstar a year or two ago. We used to be good buddies, watched television together and the kids occasionally asked for my phone to play a game or watch a clip or hear a song. They had slowly started to use internet search engines like Google and Yahoo to answer my questions which they didn't know. They used to be very good kids who had a brush with technology. They used to play games on my computer with me sometimes. Slowly they grew addicted to it, over the time, the requests turned to tantrums, the bonhomie became noise and the usage amplified. The kids were no longer the same. What used to be my time with them turned sour as all our conversations would be about the new game or the new funny clip or the new trailer launched on web. Is this the cost of technology on childhood, that kids be glued to screens all the time, trying to find the world in it, whereas the world outside is waiting for them to come and explore it. These cousins of mine haven’t trekked a hill yet, they haven’t bathed in river yet, they seldom play sports at a ground near their house. The worst part of it is, both are obese and sport a pot belly each, whenever I meet them during my visits to their home, I am bombarded with questions of the trending stuff on web. When I ask, ‘what is the capital of France’, I get answered that they don’t know, upon pushing to try and answer it, they answer, ‘Rome’. When I get angry, they quietly ask to use Google to tell the answer, yes that’s good that you are using Google to find the answer. But why use Google in the first place, when you have it in your text books.

The technology has slowly made the use of one’s own brain so redundant that it’s affecting the children’s capacity to learn and grasp things. When will they learn if not now, the childhood is the age when one learns and understands stuff the most. In these formative years, the total dependency on technology can be negative on their cognitive senses. Most children nowadays wear glasses, are obese and glued to a screen, doesn't matter the size. Books have become kindle, dictionaries and encyclopedias have become Google. It feels good when a child doesn't bother you with his questions all the time, ask for help with his projects instead prepares his own slides and projects on his own computer without any help. But then again, do you know, how much he learns from it, the projects and assignments in today’s date are search, find, copy and paste and voila, your project is ready. Where is the learning in this? The children know and use the web t their disposal nowadays, who knows what they watch when you are not around. Do all parents check the history of the browser when their child gets off from the phone or the computer? The answer is NO.

Most children under the age of fifteen and even some below the age of ten years have Facebook profiles with fake date of births, my cousin brother and nephew have one each. And sometimes they give me headache with their posts and use of social media. Some dumb people even create profiles for their children so that they could connect with their relatives and family. But that cute chat with his Grandpa or Uncle may slowly convert to group chats with strangers and people with fake profiles. There are so many cyber crimes involving small children and teenagers happening in today’s date, most of them are due to the negligence and nascence of the kids. Wouldn’t it give you the chills that the HOT DUDE777 who chats with your 13 year old bright, sweet daughter is actually a sociopath or pedophile who she will be meeting on a date next week. Technology may open up many avenues but it also opens up some that can’t be avoided. It is just like fire in front of a toddler, sooner or later the learning will be dealt in the hard way.

I grew up in a village, later was sent away to a boarding school and spent most of my time away from home. I was born in the nineties and have seen the world transform in front of my eyes, yes I am a gamer, I like gaming but I also spend time working out and basketball or cricket. But the children nowadays find cycling tiresome and play temple run and subway surfer all the time on phones and tablets. They take more interest in virtual world than the real world. The alarming rate at which obesity and poor eyesight is increasing among the current generation of children is mostly due to the affinity to a screen and fast food. The Gen Y lives in Computers and smartphones but eventually there is a life outside of the box, call me old fashioned but one should have the best of both worlds and as parents it should be our duty to ensure that.

NB: This post has been written as part of the Women's Web - eKavach 'This Digi-Parenting Life' campaign (

Thursday, November 6, 2014

A or Z, Does it Matter. Part 1

Lets put it this way, I have never ever felt about anyone else the way I felt about her. The way she curled her lips, the way she bit those lips, thee way those breasts bounced and pranced about in her shirt when she played basketball, the tomboyish attitude she threw at the boys and girls alike and the way she looked at me. She despised me, hated me, always thought of me in a bad light and never understood me. And I never quite understood women the way I understood her. She was the coldest, meanest, calculating bitch when she got mad. But that didn't deter me from loving her over and over again. She wasn't exactly beautiful in the typical way but she was in an exotic way. Like wild waves smashing at the black rocks at the coast, like the sweat in the tropical heat, like the pinacolada you sip on a hot summer, she was god’s imperfectly perfect creation. She wasn't meant for the regular kind, she didn't know the whimsical tunes of monotonous life. She was a free bird, not to be held in the clutches of any normal bean. I didn't exactly remember when I fell for her but I fell pretty hard for her, she was that special, like the raw musk of the musk deer and like the morning dew on the leaf blade. We always fought whenever we found each other, she found our fights irritating and I found those interesting because every time we fought, I would discover another new trait of hers.

I remember in the school library, where we first kissed and professed our love to each other, albeit due to me. She always tried to avoid me in intellectual stuff and she always thought of her as the most intelligent person in the room around her and showed off her knowledge every now and then. We were teenagers and on the verge of discovering adolescence. She was in her uniform, the white shirt and grey skirt; she always looked like a devil shrouded by angel’s wings in that white shirt. She didn’t have the usual girly charades which was the best thing I liked about her. She sat as far as possible from me but I always disappointed her in these matters. As much as to her displeasure, she never could avoid me that much for I always found a way to her. May be it was the strange connection we shared or maybe it was the best way we enjoyed our love hate relationship. My love for her and her hate towards me. I wasn’t exactly the school heartthrob I thought of me. I was reed thin, had bad hair style, a funny posture and walked like Western gunslingers of the Wild West. But I was popular, I was eye sore of the teachers and the students alike. I had the good looks of my parents and money to spend. That wasn’t so bad considering the environment of the boarding school. She sat with her legs crossed, eyes fixed on the pages, her eyelashes flickering once a while, her gaze intent onto devour knowledge as soon as possible, while I stared endlessly from behind a book shelf. I reckon once or twice her eyes moved to check if someone was watching but she was unaware of my position. She again looked around, trying to find a pair of hidden eyes that she thought was piercing upon her; I was not that far from her, I was standing behind a book shelf away from the reading tables. Then I overheard her friend asking her about me.

Her friend mentioned how a creep I was, always acting macho and stud but behaving like a psycho whenever I saw her. How I intentionally picked upon her friends to try to talk or fight with her. She told her that she even once saw me at the girl’s hostel, staring at her through her window at 2 am in the night. That she knows whom I have kissed and still how was trying to woo her. She said that she knew that and she hates me. Her friend again mentioned that she had seen me following them on their way from class to the library. That hit a stroke, she suddenly looked like she was in discomfort, she hit back at her friend, telling her to shut up and mind her own business. Then again, she took to reading but she was disturbed. I was lost in my world, she hates me, why does she act so proud, wasn’t I worthy of her, she doesn’t even know how much I love her. How much she means to me, I again looked at her, with every look she kept getting more beautiful to my eyes, the occasional fidgeting with her hair, her eyes, the way she read, the way she sat and maintained her posture. We were barely fifteen years old but she acted like a more mature person. Her eyes when she discovered a new fact, gleamed like a newborn baby’s when he discovers a new thing, my feet were killing me but I didn’t care, I shifted my weight from one foot to the other and in the process hit the book shelf and a book dropped, she looked up suddenly in my direction when she heard the thud of the falling book. I hid for a while and then again started looking at her again, she kept glancing at my direction, unsure of my presence, for a while I looked down to tie my shoelace that had come undone, as I was tying my shoe lace I heard a footstep coming towards me. As I looked up, it was her, she looked angry, very angry, for a moment I didn’t know what to do, she looked every bit of my dream that I had of her from last weekend. In her uniform, eyes sparkling of confidence, her pencil thin lips red with passion, her white shirt with the outline of her breasts, her skirt, the way it fit her. Her knees, her beautiful legs, bruise here and there, perks of being a sportsperson. I knew she was the woman I wanted, I wanted her so desperately. I sat transfixed there watching her, she cleared her throat and spoke, ’what’s wrong with you, why do you always trouble me, don’t you know that I don’t like you?’ she had the voice of an angel, not the typical girly chiming voice but she had a husky voice, the kind of voice that stirs up tornadoes in  man’s heart.

I felt that she wasn’t angry, maybe she was disturbed or terrified to discover this new side of me, she had never found me such intimidating before. I stood up, mustered up my courage and tried to calm her,’ why don’t you like me, what do I lack? ’ I shot back at her. ‘You, you are, you are not my type’, she managed to spurt back. Oh even now, I was aching to find her so close to me, the library was seemingly empty, only the librarian sat at his table, her friend also wasn’t anywhere in sight, it was just the two of us and the librarian. ‘I would never find such a chance to speak my heart out’, I thought to myself but before I could speak to calm her, her stormy eyes became red, she started to cry, I was shocked and confused, ‘people are saying a lot of things about me, I am not interested in this kind of thing, I don’t like people talking about me like that, I am a good girl.’ Obviously gossipmongers of our school had spread word of my affection for her, but they have spread their version of the story, they didn’t know mine. They didn’t know the love I had for this girl, this girl was everything for me. The heat was burning up inside me, I was simmering with anger now, ‘what is wrong with you, if people talk shitty things about you or about me, does it matter if we don’t give a damn’, I almost screamed, I stole a quick glance again to see if the librarian had heard us, but he wasn’t there, damn, it was lunch hour and he must have gone out, locking us inside, her bitch friend also had gone. It was the both of us standing barely thirty centimeters away from each other in that room. She started sobbing, I had never seen her cry before, she appeared such a force but now all of a sudden, she looked so frail, so weak that I wanted to hold her in my hands and caress and calm her not to cry. I tried to wipe her tears away but she threw my hand away in disgust, I didn’t budge, my angst of not able to stop her tears swelled up inside me and I caught hold of her hand and pulled her towards me in a jolt.

She crashed in my chest and before she could scream to call for help, I put my hand on her mouth to shut her up. Now in that hall, there were we, my hand on her mouth and holding her two hands behind her with the other hand. I could feel her heartbeat on my chest, her eyes, so beautiful, like a storm in the wild sea, stared at my face, she was trying to understand why I did what I did. I was totally frozen in time, senses working but touched by her, I could feel her breath on my lips, her lips, quivering and trembling, a drop of sweat trickled down from my brow in tension. She tried to open her mouth, I kept my hand fixed but she looked at me with anger, as if she wanted to say something, unsure, tensed but I gave in to trust and let it go. She didn’t move, we were still standing together, our bodies embracing the flow of hormones in such close vicinity of the other sex. She looked at my eyes, then slowly tried to free her hands, I let them loose, she raised her hand, I was almost certain that I was getting a slap followed by a loud scream, a meeting between parents and teachers at the principal’s office, rusticated may be, as my train of thoughts ran wild, she did the unthinkable, she put her left hand on my waist, like those ballroom dancers put theirs on their partners. She caressed my face with the other hand; her soft hands caressed my temple and my cheeks. I was awestruck and dumbfounded at the same time. A thousand lightning bolts and thunders swarmed my sky with her touch and then suddenly she took her hand and put back a strand of hair behind her ear and smiled. Suddenly I was standing at the edge of the world with her with me, the reality slipped away, I was hers and she was mine, we were together. I moved closer, sealing the little distance between us, I grabbed her hand and caressed it, she smiled again, I touched her waist, rubbing it to her back, then she asked, ‘ are we doing what I never wanted to do with you?’, ‘not with me?’ I snapped back, ‘is it love?’, she asked,’ what else could it be’ I spoke. ‘You have kissed other girls before, haven’t you?’, ‘yeah, I have but not like this’, and I kissed her.

Her entire body tensed and she clutched my shirt tightly with one hand and pulled on my hair with the other. We kissed like it was the end of this world, I had kissed others before but this kiss, as I told her was unlike any other kiss I ever had or will have. It was our first kiss, my cheeks suddenly felt wet, she was crying again. ‘why are you crying?’, I asked her, ‘you can’t understand how much this means to me’ she managed to say between kisses. We were concealed between two book stands and a corner; I pulled her to the corner and started to unbutton her shirt. ‘Isn’t this an inappropriate place for this?’ she asked but I didn’t listen, I was dying to see her twin peaks, I had spent 4 years watching grow. Countless dry summers and cold winter night’s I would lie down and think of her and her body. She knew I wouldn’t listen in the heat of the moment and she relented to let me marvel in her womanhood. As I unbuttoned her shirt, she drew a pace back and let me have a look at her. Disheveled hair, lusty lips, shirt half tucked half out and the white bra revealing the most beautiful sight the mortal eye could perceive, her cleavage looked like the sunset, half visible and half left to imagination. Like the glorious red sun, her skin a tone red from the making out, I madly stared at her as she unhooked her bra and let it fall to the ground with the shirt.
I rushed to her, turned her around and grabbed her. She moaned and smiled as she felt my hot breath on the nape of her neck. Then she turned around and faced me. I was like a mad wolf, for I went on aggressively on her, licking and biting in between kissing and caressing her ample beauty. ‘Be gentle,it’s my first time’, she moaned, I slowed down from aggression to passion, she liked the slow serenade of our making out. Then as I tried to slip my hand down her skirt, she said ’ let’s not go all Hollywood the first time, we professed our love to each other’. I managed a mischievous smile; I watched her put her bra and shirt back on like a kid watching candy. She adjusted her hair and earrings and asked if she looked alright, I just smiled at her, she blushed, this tomboy, she blushed so deep that I went weak at my knees. I pulled her to a tight embrace and whispered in her ears that I love her, that she was the sole purpose of my living in whole of the eternity. She said she knew, and the whole charade of hating me was also because of her tomboyish attitude trying to give in to attraction for me. She took my face in her hands and kissed me hard, ‘do you love me?’ she asked, ‘I don’t know whether I love you or not but this feeling, being with you, thinking about you, is unlike any other experience I have ever had, may be that is love’, I spoke. She took my hand and took me to the nearby reading table and sat me down with her, we talked about our feelings, our revelations about one another and our confessions. She asked if I had been to her hostel and looked at her while she was sleeping, did I really stalk her at her basketball games or have I really kissed other girls. I answered each question of hers and she did mine. And time slipped away with that first kiss with the first love of my life.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Sinking in your Love

Shaurya saw her from a distance, she was standing at the entrance of the mall, she had an athletic build, dusky skin, chicly clothed in a jeans & kurta & a certain glow about her, he slowed down the music although he didn’t want to but he had to because he couldn’t think if he didn’t stop the music, he lit up a cigarette & while he dragged on the ciggie, he recalled about Manisha, he always liked Manisha, even when she was Ashok’s girlfriend, Ashok was his childhood friend & they were the best of friends since childhood, they both were good looking, they had peculiarly similar choices, both liked kesar pista ice creams, both loved cricket & lawn tennis, both were the mischief mongers of their household & inseparable from each other. Their parents were also happy to see their friendship & considered the other as their own children. Shaurya & Ashok both joined in architectural courses in CET, Bhubaneswar & were having the time of their life. Shaurya & Ashok shared everything among each other until the moment Manisha arrived in their lives, it was during their final year in CET around 2008 when Ashok met Manisha at a wedding of his cousin & they both hit it off instantly, Manisha fell in love with Ashok from the first day of their meeting & Ashok realized it a month after they started dating. Shaurya was bugged by the sudden changed behaviour of Ashok but he didn’t mind because he saw he was happy,he never minded  even when Ashok won’t smoke or drink with him or won’t play videogames or won’t go to their usual leisure spots, he tried to find out but Ashok would cleverly change the topic. 

Then on one day Ashok stepped up & talked to him about Manisha, “I am in love man, I will marry her in 3 months after I join the Bastion firm in New Delhi.” Ashok could only reply in astonishment,” you bastard, you couldn’t have told me about it earlier, I was worried about you & what’s this nonsense about marriage, have you talked about it to your parents, what about her & her parents, what will they feel when they learn of it.” but Ashok was a tough nut to crack, he was always rebellious, he liked to have his own way & he never cared about the society. Shaurya tried with him to be reasonable & be patient until they finish their exams, Shaurya remembered the day he met Manisha, it was during the midst of their exams, when Ashok called him up & asked him to come to the CafĂ© coffee day at the Marrion, Shaurya went over there, half asleep, unkempt facial hair & uncombed curly hair, the usual Shaurya but he was taken aback by the sight of Manisha, she looked beautiful, oh she was beautiful, she was dressed in a blue Capri jeans, black top & had flowing tresses, she looked at Shaurya with amazement & asked Ashok if this was Shaurya ? Ashok was in splits for the next half n hour when Shaurya the womanizer of the two tried to explain his appearance. While Ashok was laughing his ass off Shaurya was falling for Manisha. Over the next few months while the three of them became inseparable from each other & hung out together, Ashok became more mature & Shaurya who never believed in stuff like love, felt he was falling in love with Manisha, for the first time in his life, he seriously felt jealous of Ashok but he loved Ashok more than Manisha, he would never betray Ashok for his own sake, he felt like he was breathless but his love for his friend triumphed & his love for Manisha succumbed. All was well in the paradise of the friends, Ashok & Manisha went ahead in their relationships & informed both their parents of their relationship and both of their parents expressed their happiness & blessed them. Ashok joined in Bastion firm & Manisha a fashion student, joined as an intern at Wills Lifestyle & both of them moved to Delhi after their engagement. Shaurya was the happiest for them. They came to Bhubaneswar during vacations & Shaurya went to Delhi sometimes, everything was fine. 

Then one day during a client meeting at office, his phone buzzed relentlessly, Shaurya didn’t bother at first but when he looked up to see who was it, he was surprised, it was Manisha, almost choking from crying, she just uttered the words that were going to change both of their lives forever, ”Shaurya, Ashok met with an accident in Daryaganj while going to his house, he is in ICU & is very critical, he asked for you, try to come as soon as possible.” Then she broke down, Shaurya didn’t exactly remember the events after that but he remembered & probably never forgot the minute long conversation he had with a dying Ashok in the hospital, no words were spoken, both friends just looked into each other’s eyes & then Ashok died in Shaurya’s arms. That day it wasn’t Ashok who died but the three of them died together. It took them long enough to get back to the normal lives. Of all Manisha was the sufferer, she left her internship, left Delhi & came back to Bhubaneswar, declined job offers & became a recluse, Shaurya tried to console her, make her smile again, whatever he did, he reminded her of Ashok & she broke down, it took her a long 6 months to get back to the world. 

Shaurya recalled the night when Manisha came to his bachelor house near Sailashree vihar at 10 pm in the night drunk & laughing. When Shaurya offered to drop her, she declined “I want to be happy” she said, “enough of being a sorry sod, I want to live again, I am not mad, I just want to be happy again.” He couldn’t say no to her. That night, they both sat side by side, watched pictures of Ashok & them, cried, laughed & comforted each other. Shaurya almost forgot he ever loved Manisha, for the moment she seemed just like another wandering soul like him, they completed each other; they promised each other to be their old selves. All the while Shaurya felt happy for her over the next few months, bringing her to the normal again, Manisha started her own fashion classes in Bhubaneswar for budding fashion students, it went well, slowly she started designing for various brands & also for certain celebrities of Ollywood. She was successful now, she was happy, she was responsible, all the while Manisha found her being drawn towards Shaurya uncontrollably & inexplicably, he was not like Ashok but he was everything a woman would wish for, Shaurya was manly, handsome, caring & outgoing, he never expressed his feelings unless required, he never let her down. She tried sending messages expressing her feelings but every time Shaurya would act like he didn’t know or he didn’t want to know, there were never any dearth of girls with Shaurya before but nowadays he acted like a lone wolf, he concentrated on his work, he opened a new office by himself & started working hard, the only thing besides his work was Manisha. Shaurya could notice the closeness between them but he ignored his own feelings of the past until one day Manisha confronted him & proposed him. 

He tried to call it her obsession, what ensued was a 1 week long fighting & 2 week long pampering to tell her that he still considers him Ashok’s girlfriend & it will take some time to accept her as someone else. Finally Manisha agreed but her actions were still the same. Meanwhile Shaurya dealt with his own demons, he loved her but the feeling was locked away in a deep cavern in his heart, he wanted to let it out but he couldn’t, he tried, he did but the feeling was lost, lost somewhere in his own heart. He spent a lot of time with her, everyone around them, friends, family wanted them to be together, even Ashok’s parents wanted them to be together. Then one day, Manisha did something he didn’t expect, while watching a movie together at her house, she leaned on his shoulder, after a while he felt that she wasn’t looking at the screen or the movie, she was looking at him, he looked at her puzzled, she looked at him like a child, innocence in her eyes, mischief brewing slowly, she came closer to him, touched his face & caressed it, Shaurya was transfixed in his place, completely unprepared for all the things going on. Then Manisha came closer & kissed him gently, Shaurya was stunned, he didn’t know what happened next, he kissed her back gently, he caressed her hair, pulled her closer to him & as she started to open his shirt, the reality dawned upon him, he suddenly stood up, angry & ashamed at the same time of himself & his actions. He was burning up with guilt from inside; he got up & apologized & left her place. Before he slammed the door, all he saw was tears welling up in her eyes. For 2 days they didn’t talk, all the while Shaurya thought about everything that happened since day one of meeting with Manisha. 

He remembered their kissing, that moment of innocence when both of them couldn’t restraint themselves from each other, he gave that a deep thought & then he went up to the picture of Ashok & stood before it, then he spoke, “I hope wherever you are, you must be happy my brother, I don’t know what I am doing but I think if I don’t do this, I will never again be able to look into my own eyes in the mirror, I have always loved her not that I am taking advantage of the situation now that you are not around, I have loved her, I love her & I will love her forever, hope you understand.” Then he picked up his phone, glanced up at the clock, it was 2 am, muttered to himself” Game face, Game face”, then called Manisha. She answered but was silent, Shaurya mustered up his courage & then spoke “hello”, silence, “hello”, silence again, he felt like banging his head on the wall but then he said, “I know you are listening, please say something, I know the way I reacted was not right but I understand it was my mistake”, he was trying to explain when Manisha spoke up in an icy tone, “no, it was my mistake to feel that I fell in love with you, what I did was just a horny act of a slut,I guess that’s what you think of me now, don’t you Shaurya ?”. he felt like someone poured acid all over him, her words pressed like thorns into his heart, “how could you think of me as a lowly person, how could you think of yourself like this, no god no ”while he was trying to soothe her, she cut him short, “you don’t love me, you don’t try to love me, you don’t want to love me”, he decided it was enough now, “you can fight with me over the phone or you can fight with me tomorrow all day”, it was enough to calm her down, “tomorrow, all day ?”She gushed, “Yes tomorrow, just you & me, it’s a date”, he blurted out, silence on her end. Then she said, “10 am sharp, Maruti mall, be on time.” He managed a “Sure” before keeping the phone down.

The ignored cigarette singed his skin near the thumb, he jolted back from his memory lane, threw the lit cigarette after taking the last puff, rolled down the glass of his side window & let the air enter his car, the dust pushed in with the air but he didn’t care, it was his car not anyone else’s, he waited till the smell of cigarettes died & the car smelt somewhat less than before, he pushed on the ambi pur to let the smell off, all the while intently looking at her, preparing to face her after last night’s phone call. She looked like an angel in distress, looking for someone desperately; he rolled up the glass & switched on the AC. He looked at the mirror before seeing her, adjusted his ever so curly hair trying to look cool, took a deep breath & switched the music on & changed the music from the lonely island’s I just had sex to Christina Perry’s thousand years, her favourite. Then stepped on the accelerator & drove to the mall, stopped his car, rolled down the glass of his side window & looked at Manisha, she looked like she was waiting for someone, Shaurya knew better, she recognized his car & looked at him with anger, Shaurya braced himself for the debate that was going to ensue soon, honked & she started to walk towards him. Shaurya looked at her as she walked towards him, she was perfect in everything she did, even her gait looked like a supermodel’s ramp walk although gentle & not raunchy, as he was transfixed in his thoughts, a knock brought him back to reality, Manisha was knocking impatiently on the glass, even though his 10 minute preparation to see Manisha, Shaurya had forgot to unlock the side door of his car. He unlocked the door & she came in, she looked at Shaurya with mock anger twinkling in her eyes,” you are always late, its 10.20”, she complained. He tried to look innocent & cited his work at the office about some building design; “I was busy with the galaxy apartment design.” She sighed, “why do you always have to lie about your lateness, galaxy blah blah apartment, you can tell the truth, its 10 am you never go to your office before 10.30,” he felt astonished at her knowledge of him, “in this case, you can say that I didn’t think it was important to meet you or spend time with you, that’s why I was late”, she looked like she was hurt, it killed Shaurya to see Manisha hurt, she continued, “Who am I to you, I am just a liability to you, I am just your dead friend’s girlfriend whom you never liked & had to put up with.” Shaurya felt immensely bad about being reminded about Ashok like this, he corrected her, “you were Ashok’s girlfriend, not some dead friend’s, you are my best friend’s girlfriend & unfortunately he’s not with us anymore, don’t insult your & my relationship with him, we both know the value of our relationships with him & with each other.”, she again started to say something but Shaurya stopped her by putting his palm on her lips. 

It was a time for revelations, no more fights, no more misunderstandings, he gestured her towards the music player, turned up the volume a little bit, a thousand years played like a magic, she looked confused, her eyes twinkled with anticipation, he took off his hand off her lips, then he drew closer & uttered “I Love You, I have loved you since the day I met you, back then you were Ashok’s girl & I chose to forget you as my love but over the time & since he passed away, I have never stopped thinking about you, I Love you Manisha Ray, I loved it when you kissed me, I didn’t have the courage to do that, you for all I know you complete me & I will be miserable without you, I can’t say anything more but all I know that I love you madly, I Love You, I Love You.” She was crying lightly when he finished his sentence, she complained “why did you stop, you idiot”, “you sound so romantic when you say things like this”, then she drew closer & said, “I Love you too Shaurya Gautam, I Love You with all my heart.” Before she could say anything else & cry anymore, Shaurya grabbed her & kissed her, he kept kissing her until some people surrounded the car & started whistling at them. They came back to their senses, embarrassed, happy and nostalgic. As the hooting died down, Shaurya asked “where to baby?” & she smiled & replied “wherever we can be together.”

Then they drove off, to happiness, bliss & togetherness.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

A Smoker's Journal of Final Moments

Day 1

I fucking love you Ciggie,I dont & won't give you up. No matter whatever happens. I have been in love with you since grade 7 when that Fucker Lala introduced you to me. I remember kissing you for the first time. I coughed like hell but you wanted me & I wanted you too. 10 years baby, 10 years together & now they say I gotta leave you or else I am gonna die.

Day 2

I have been diagnosed with Tuberculosis twice in the last 3 years because of you,they say repeatedly,as if I don't know that. I may catch lung cancer, if I continue to smoke but I can't stop. I just can't. Why do you keep asking who are they ? When you know who doesn't want to see us. Its my girlfriend, my family, some friends not all of them because most of them are also in love with you like me.

Day 3

Oh baby I love you. You know today I smoked like 2 packs of Classic regular, you come in all shapes & sizes but when you come in guise of Classic or Marlboro. I just can't stop puffing you around. They say you don't drink a cigarette or alcohol or fuck an escort alone. You need to share them. I do share you, I am not jealous.

Day 4

You know why I love you, because you come to me when I am in need of you. When I am gloomy, you come to me. When I am happy, you come to me. When I am alone you come to me, when I am with friends you come to me. You make me cool, you make me look like a rockstar, when I am with you. Without you I don't feel good baby.

Day 5

Oh this rotten feeling of not finding you in every other hour will drive mad. I need you so bad, I need you, without a puff of your magical body burning itself for my pleasure & going up in ashes just for me is just so romantic. Oh I got you. I got you, I got you.

Day 6

Shit, Shit, Shit. I hate my doctor, why does he need to be so pushy & influential. The way the bastard describes you, he says you are a cancer stick, you are an angel of death, wait that's me, he says you are going to be the death of me. He knew somewhat of my problems. This bloody diagnosis takes all our moments out in a bad light. Sigh, I Love you Ciggie.

Day 7


Day 8


Day 9

I don't remember the last two days, I was on an hospital bed without you. I am diagnosed with Lung Cancer & am lying on a bed in an hospital. You caused all this.

Day 10

I am beginning to wonder about you, hallucinating if I put it right. I am seeing things, I am seeing you in a bad light. You are not just in love with me. You have countless lovers. You say You don't mind mind being theirs but I mind. Yeah, I know, I know, you will say that I had no qualms before but now I am seeing the real things. Yeah, now I hate you.

Day 11

Baby, forgive me if I had been rude. Its just the medication speaking out, its not me. You know I love you, I need you so much. I need a puff of you, hell yeah a puff of you will do everything. Please I need you.

Day 12

I am tired of this fucking hospital. The doctor & his sweet talk, the nurses & their sad looks. If only I could die or get away. Its so getting melodramatic that I am feeling suffocated. Its like nails being hammered into my brain every time someone opens their mouth. I am helpless.

Day 13

My parents are not letting me breathe properly. They say I am unable to breathe if I remove the oxygen mask. I am dying, Am I ? I don't know, my girlfriend is nowhere to be seen, my friends come to see me sometimes, bastards, all have gotten so fucking busy in their harmonic lives. I am happy though, happy that they are fine. Oh God, why this pain keeps cropping up inside my chest.

Day 14

I feel like a fading light. I don't think I'll survive. If only I can get a kiss of you. A kiss of you on my lips. I'll always cherish those moments when I kiss you, when I smoke you, when I hold your slender body in my rough hands.

Day 15

I am a gone case. I am dying that's for sure. All I can see are ciggies everywhere. I am floating, just floating along them. I try grabbing one, she runs away with her flock away from me. C'mon you got no time for me at all. All the time, you clung to me & now it is time to come to Daddy, my Ciggie acts like a bitch.

Day 16

I Love You Ciggie, I am dead.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Kill I Must

 I am an Apex Predator well I am God actually, I kill people & I am very good at it. Why do I kill people?

Am I insane? Am I a freak? Am I a psychotic? Am I an animal?

I enjoy killing, why? I keep killing to know the answer,simple. I have killed 5 women & 2 men till now, why the women number's higher? Well, I am not a misogynistic, may be but I kill only when I feel the urge. I relieve the pain of my art works, what you poor sods call victims. Its something I enjoy doing, when the cold blade cuts through the warm flesh, Yes I prefer the blade to the bullet. I enjoy serenading my victims in a dance in the pale moon light with me instead of the devil. I feel murder is overrated, actually the term killing suits the thing better. I am just like you, just another happy go lucky guy, I work like any other guy, have a beautiful girlfriend & good friends, really good friends & I enjoy life. But when that urge comes, it takes over & then on I am someone different, I am the God, above all. I play the all mighty when it comes to the killing, Oh & I am pretty good at it. I go to places, meet people & when I find people that cause distaste or are not of any right to love, I kill them. I find it pretty easy to draw people towards me, may be its just my rugged good looks, I am not insanely handsome but its the brooding & the attitude that works.

I remember my first kill, it was in the beautiful summer of 2004. I remember going out with this girl of my class, during my college days in Delhi, she was cute, beautiful & lovable but she never restricted her hormonal urges within me, the bitch cheated on me regularly. I remember watching her with a friend of mine several times on his bike, going around, having fun & getting fucked by him in his room. I knew all this but I felt that we just had a casual relationship, nothing more but once I had the misery of following them to see what they were up to? They went to a movie together & I bought a ticket too, to see what they were up to? I remember watching them kissing in the theatre countless times & the way he was groping her & she was reacting, my entire body was simmering with anger, I wanted to kill them right there but I abstained, I came back & acted as usual. I remember watching them go to his apartment after the movie, Poor me poor bastard that I was, I remember following like a dumb lamb, they spent a good 3 hours inside his room. I sat like a pile of woods below his apartment & dragged on ciggies. I remember coming back after they left & came back to my college campus of Delhi University, she came running to me when she saw me in campus later that evening. She ran towards me, kissed me. She was stinking of that Bastard, all of her body, even her cells were stinking of him. I tried to abstain myself but I couldn't in those moments, I really discovered my inner self. I thought of something, I asked her to come to Ooty on a trip with me. 

She happily obliged, that fucking bitch & her guts. I knew she was a fickle minded, wayward girl from a middle class family but the way bitch behaved, it was like she descended from heaven & did a favour on everyone, she said she can make up something in hostel & in her family, she finally came up with the idea of a workshop for partial fulfillment of studies in Ludhiana & took time out for 4 days.It was a hush hush trip, with only a few friends knowing about it. We came to Ooty, all the way I kept talking to myself about what I am going to do with her & I decided, i was going to relieve her of her sorry ass life. I remember the sex we had, it was good, steamy, wild & unstoppable. We didn't get out of the room for 2 days, the housekeeping got bored with us & I felt famished of all the sex & the blowjobs & I almost seemed to forget about her fate & then on the third day we went for some sightseeing & again her eyes started roving around for other guys, a jolt came to me & I came back to reality from that dream land. After we came back, I left her in the room, told her I was going out to buy condoms & took a stroll & debated with myself over how & not why should I kill her? I went to the drug store got a whole box of condoms, the man at the store smirked in a way that made me laugh & then I presumably stared at his wife who was sitting at the billing machine & gave her the box to bill, his smirk changed to a frown & hers to a muffled grin, I don't know what happened after i left & went to another drug store & bought a pair of surgical gloves. All over I went to several stores & bought things like surgical blade, gauge cloth, medical spirit. At some stores they gave weird looks but I told I need it urgently because my friend is injured while trekking & I need it urgently. The lie always works you know,people believe your lies more than the truth. I got all I wanted.

I returned to our room, the bitch was all horny for the fuck & was strolling around in her nightgown. I caught hold of her & told her she was in for a surprise & blindfolded her. Then I took her & bound her hands & legs to the railing of the bed with the gauge cloth & started fucking her. She started moaning & I remembered the faint moans of her in the theatre. I put some more gauge cloth in her mouth she tried protesting but in the heat of the moment, she stopped it & while I was penetrating her, I started cutting her, slashing & hacking all over & pouring spirit over the wounds while at it. She screamed wildly but it was muffled by the gauge cloth, I kept slashing her body till there was no skin left to slash anymore. Her body bounced up & down & she writhed with the intricate dwelling of pain that I was bestowing upon her over her temple of a body, but she was bound & couldn’t get free of it. Then I opened the box of condoms & took out all of them & made a sort of stuffing by putting all of them together & then I shoved it down her mouth & nose, she gasped & coughed for breath but she couldn’t, then I removed the blindfold off her eyes, eyes bloodshot, pleading me, hating me, the fear welling up, tears flowing down, she looked at me. I took a good look at her & then started cutting her throat as she choked & gurgled blood. The bed sheet was streaming with blood when I finally killed the bitch. I remember crying a lot with her head in my lap & wondering what next.

I poured some more spirit on her body to kill the stink of blood, went to the bathroom & bathed for a while. The ice cold water helped,I thought of many things, the thrill of killing her, the peace it gave me, the urge to kill & the ecstasy of the blood splashing across our bodies as she was dying & I smiled wryly. I was an artist, I was a guardian angel, I relieved her of all her whimsical worries, I was God. When I came back,I finally had the courage to cut her up in pieces & pack her in her trolley bag. I took the bloodied bed sheets & pillows & shredded them up with the surgical blade & my hands, that’s the beauty of the surgical blade it cuts like a charm even through the fabric. I took her belongings & put them in her bag along with her body parts.I dipped all the blood stained clothes in 2 bottles of surgical spirit & put it in her bag with her body parts. I went down after a while with the bag only to dump it off a cliff a few hours later, I went down,it was strange the lobby was deserted, no one was in sight, it just made things easier & roaming around a tourist paradise with bags is not a new sight. The way I packed her body parts by washing them with spirit made the bleeding stop & the bag remained spotless. I had a hard time dumping the bag but soon I found a deserted cliff & carried the bag to the edge & dropping it off. After coming back I ordered for room service & when the familiar bell boy came up I told him that she had a huge fight with me & left with all her stuff. I told him to bring up some whiskey for me with a bucket full of ice, it kind of worked, as he thought I might be sullen over her departure. I kept up the appearance for half a day more & then went down to the reception to check out of there. The bitch at the reception didn't believe my story, when I told her how my girlfriend stormed out after a fight & she didn't even care to take her Identity card. But given my inebriated baffle she thought i was just another wayward college kid who couldn't control his girlfriend, she obliged & gave me the identity cards but the way she looked at me, i knew I didn't make the charade too well.

I knew I had a very little window of opportunity before the whistle is blown. Eventually somebody would find the bag & the body within, I mean the beautiful custom made body parts that I made of her. The hotel staff would eventually find something despite all my beautiful work & the nosey receptionist bitch would eventually suspect & may file a complaint & Deepti's parents would frantically search for her, Oh yes the bitch's name was Deepti,nice name. Some friends in DU knew we came together. I knew I couldn't go back & I wouldn't go back. I took all my belongings & documents & threw them in a stream. Took just my toothbrush & my money & I took off from that beautiful place in a bus & set off to Chennai.

All the way in the bus & train, I looked at people, all their misery, their evilness, their wickedness,their frail human nature & I was above all. I was there to relieve the poor ones of their mortality, their weak stand in this earth. I smiled to myself. Its easy you know, to blend in again. I sat in the marina beach for 3 days in a row in the burning summer to change my looks, no one really care you know, no one cares who you are or what do you want, even the police patrol didn't care,I got sunburn & I noticed a strange face in place of mine, I started working in the chennai dockyard as a laborer, I got sun burn, my physique became lithe & athletic, I lost my good looks & became rugged, about a week later, I read about Deepti's gruesome murder in a paper, it got my photo & all about me, there was a prize of Rs 2 lakhs on my head too but I looked much different, I knew I got away. That was an art, a subtle art of getting away with it. I didn't miss my family. If I missed someone it was my mother, I didn't even care about the other bastards. I easily got a new identity card by paying Rs 300. Slowly worked my way up the power circle in the Dockyard & became a Owner of 2 trawlers in 2 years. During those 2 years I killed 2 women & a eunuch, count him as man if you wish,they committed some unforgivable crimes.What happened after those & what happened to me & what happened by me in the next 6 years,I don't feel so ecstatic talking about that now.Lets just keep the rest a secret,shall we ?

P.s. Just so you know, I live in Bangalore now & am working in a call centre.
Who knows you may be my next best thing at art.
Until then.

Jayant (Psycho)

Monday, May 21, 2012


We look into each other's eyes,no words spoken,no drama,no hassles,its a strange language that  we have discovered. They say that marriage kills the romance but for Us its just another myth,even after 7 years of marriage, I can't have enough of her.As she looks into my eyes,Words lose their entity, reality blurs away & dreams shroud us like a painted veil. Its just something that I can't just merely put in words, I lose myself in those eyes,the rest of her svelte body is just as fine as a dawn of a wintry night but it takes all eternity to break away from those beautiful eyes. They are as silent as a Mediterranean coast & as tranquil as a tropical rain forest,her lips,those blood red lips of hers, so lush so inviting & so irresistibly attractive,I stare like a child stares at a candy shop,so full of possibilities & waiting for me to go admire them as I caress them. I kiss her forehead almost magnetically,she simmers as she feels my rough lips,her eyes sparkle of mock anger & then she breaks into a naughty smile & I stare again out of sheer amaze that she looks like an angel from those murals they paint on the church's roofs. She takes my hand & keeps it on her heart,it races as I feel it & she smiles again,I couldn't resist the tease anymore, I softly grab her silky hair & caress her locks & kiss her on her Lips. I don't know the next feeling, I am not here,I have died & gone to heaven, she tenses as I slowly part her lips with mine, I play a little with my tongue & she responds wildly, She grabs hold of my hair & sinks into my arms. As I manfully kiss her a little harder,I feel her perfectly polished nails dig into the nape of my neck, it tickles but I enjoy the pain for she's my warrior woman, she can ambush me, she can rule me & I let her do that.

She's just mine. I claim her every time I can but she is unfazed, for her she's not to be claimed for she is eternally mine & I don't need to establish that. I slowly unbutton her shirt, technically its my shirt which she's wearing,she does that often,sometimes I find her wearing the most atrocious lingerie but when she wears my clothes, she looks even more sexier than she does in those lingerie. She shudders as she feels my hands on her warm,lively breasts, her heart rate pulses up & she goes buck wild at me. She bites at my lips as she feels my hands groping at her perfect breasts,she tries to stop me from doing that but she refrains,she says that much love will kill her but I don't listen. She moans in pleasure as i work my way down from her lips to her amazing breasts. Whenever I am with her, it feels like we have gone back in time to that same old little room of my college days, where we would go wild at each other countless times in those sultry afternoons bunking classes at Delhi University. I still feel like a testosterone fueled teen as I go down on her with her moaning softly like the soft purring of a kitty.
She tries tearing down my T shirt but she fails, looks at me like it is the end of the world if that tee doesn't come off my Chest. I yank out the tee with one pull & she jumps on me like a crazed love monkey, that's one of her names I call her usually,the other names are Froglie, Bunny, Munchkin, li'l devil & countless others I forgot keeping track. She undresses & prowls like a predator & then she sinks deep into my Chest, kisses my neck & breathes heavily at it, I feel the singeing of my entire body by her, I throw off the rest of my clothes & then together We sink down to the alleys of love,unknown,bequeathed & bewildered,we play with each other & entangle our bodies in unison,while climaxing in pools of sweat,she says I Love you & I just look at her, I can never have enough of her I think & then she starts kissing me again.

Words lose their entity, reality blurs away & dreams shroud us like a painted veil once again.